Eurovision Song Contest 2011

Eurovision Song Contest is a fantastical, albeit baffling annual event. It’s not that the performances are effortlessly bad like the failed auditions on X-Factor or Idol. It’s that they’re so much more brilliantly, expensively and meticulously bad. We’re talking about a song contest, that allowed THESE people to WIN in 2006:

“Lordi” – Finland. The gayest looking… whatever they are. Ever.

And sure, perhaps we watch it to laugh at them, rather than with them. Perhaps it’s the excitement of competition, and making a sport of the whole thing. Perhaps the commentator is someone astoundingly witty or cruel. I just can’t stress enough that everyone should be watching this not just every year, but all the time. I held off watching the Australian Broadcast since no friends showed up, I waited another week and still nobody. When I eventually came to terms with the fact that I clearly had no friends? I finally got the vodka ready and here is what we got:

Roadkill Dress Lady, Some Guy Who Isn't Simon Pegg, and some lady who gets to watch.

When even the British commentator says things like “and that lady in the roadkill dress…her name’s Anca. She’s a comedian!” You know you’ve tuned in to some quality entertainment and can be ready for some wacky and hilarious slapstick gag, knowing full well, that the jokes won’t get better from there. Even the hosts get to have a sing and dance, and drum! Complete with their own brass ensemble. Idol doesn’t have that. Idol doesn’t have shit on this.

These guys aren't even competing, seriously... They just get to fuck around.

Afterwards, we watch a 90 second time-lapse film “which seems… quite long” about the stage being built in Germany, the location of the last winner (some German hussy named Lena), along with a song and dance with “43 Lena-lookalikes, representing the 43 countries that participated.” – Here are the 25 finalists, along with increasingly drunken comments!

#1 gave up on lyrics halfway through dadada dadadum dadada dadada.... "Very different from Lordi, their last winner"

‎#2 - The audience are clapping along patronisingly to this old man as if he were bad karaoke. Not sure why some wigger is prancing about the stage, but I approve. Now he's playing a trumpet!

#3 - My housemate says this one's like a really gay, really tame Wayne Static (also pictured). Oh God, he just went for a run like Immortal.

#4 - A slightly frumpy woman with a very tame piano backing, and stars, and fog machine. Uh-oh! This bitch just went French. And Disney.

#5 - Hungarian women are fucking scary, and tall, and manly. Housemate just leaned down to check under her dress "nope, no dick". This one sounds like Shakira with a dance beat and I'm officially terrified.

6 - Wayne Static's likeness strikes again with Jedward. As catchy as they are awful. Holy. Shit. This falls under "any outfit so ridiculous that you feel the need to drink to make it go away". A deadly mix of sugary sweets and hairspray fumes.

#7 Might not LOOK that interesting but he sings a particularly ambitious song about ambition "What's he singing about? Being popular?" "Yep. 'I will be popular, I will be popular. I'm gonna geet there! Popular!'" I wish I was kidding.

#8 - Thank crap the commentator warned us that this song would have some of the most annoying dancers ever seen. Oh God, they're looking all bewildered. It doesn't help that that the singer looks like a Hi-5 presenter.

#9 - This song features Stereo Mike. He's a rapper! He sounds like a combination between the dude from Aqua, and Nick Cave. Fuck yeah!

#10 - Gay Greasers. This makes me sad.

#11 - Dirty-looking surfer dude singing Opera. Housemate says he's an André Rieu wannabe. I asked "Does André Rieu even sing? I thought he just played violin." He replies "I don't know, all I know is that he doesn't like vegemite."

Unnecessary explosion!

#12 - This guy is not Michael Bublé or Frank Sinatra. Housemate: "It's not in English either, so I've gotta drink."

#13 The only dull performance. In amongst all those bubbles and bullshit is someone boring who sucks. She started singing "Nana naa naa naa naa" so in all honesty we got distracted and looked up Land of 1000 Dances by Wilson Pickett instead.

#14 - sounds inspirational. It's inspired me to kill myself someday. 3 of the whitest white guys, and 1 of the blackest black guys who contributes the occasional "c'mon!". The crowd are wearing Marge Simpson hair in celebration of "Blue".

#15 - I stand corrected. The people with Marge Simpson hair were the next band!

#‎16 - The German slut is back this year! Better than ever in some kind of full-body parachute pants, and she's singing like Bjork! Fuck YES! So much! Oh God. Commentary: "Wander off and burn those costumes. If dancers looked bad in those, just imagine what regular people would look like".

#17 - The backup dancers/trumpeters look like Rhianna. How degrading, for them. Not pictured: Fabio on piano, or hipster douchebag on drums.

#18 - Well, at least her haircut doesn't suck. Shame about her singing, and appearance, and performance though. But yes, nice hair.

#19 - if Yellow by Coldplay were somehow a duet about two people in white pyjamas that seem to like each other very much, but not quite enough to stand face-to-face.

Commentary: "That's a Slovenian man, who has clearly lost the will to live."

#20 - Here Maija shows us what Britney Speares would be like if she were brunette; turns out it'd be equally as horrible!

#21 - Now this is just sad. Iceland's lead singer looks like Ricky Gervais. Creepy. Now their song just went slow motion - how drunk am I?

#22 - I didn't realise Elaine from Seinfield would be representing Spain.

#23 - Screw the singing (it's some miserable shite about angels) BUT, some chick is doing sand paintings - live!

#24 - One of the backup singers looks like Ugly Betty! (Probably, I've never actually seen it). OH GOD, MY EYES! So 60's.

#25 - Finally a band that looks really cool. She even doesn't sound like bollocks! Her dress is really fucking raver! If I were a woman, I'd wear that. No wait, what?

So that’s 2 hours gone. The remaining hour and a half is just the voting part. Oh, and the hosts get to fuck around some more!